It’s 4:29am in the morning right now. I’ve managed to get less than 2 hours sleep. Yet here I am, sitting at my computer, wide awake to witness a rare (for me) UK summer sunrise (seriously, I am never up at this time unless I’m travelling).
I am more of a night owl (“moderate evening” according to the MEQ questionnaire) and also usually an 8-hours-a-night gal. I don’t even operate well on less than 7 hours sleep.
But the words won’t stop running through my head.
“I was made redundant.”
All the what if’s, what about’s, worries, solutions, ideas, possibilities... I can’t stop the flow of thoughts in my brain and ideas coming out of my ears. So I decided to write. To just go with the flow (coz hey, it is my theme word for this year!)
I know, I know, cortisol is “having a moment”. It makes sense, given I was only informed 12 hours ago of my redundancy. But knowing my cortisol is probably spiking all over the shop doesn’t mean I have any control over it. Even my tried and trusted meditation visualisation, which usually sends me to sleep in a matter of minutes, didn’t work this time (though it did send me to sleep initially - it’s just that my body decided to wake up again at 3am).
And I’ve definitely been watching my partner play playstation RPG games way too much because as I was lying in bed trying (unsuccessfully) to sleep, I had an image of a decision bubble pop up over my body, saying something like:
Hm, looks like you aren’t able to sleep right now. Do you:
(A) Stay in bed and try to get back to sleep
(B) Get up and do something else for a bit
I guess my brain likes to make jokes at times like this.
It’s also strange how these moments can make you appreciate the simple things.
Like going to sit on my sofa (when I gave up on trying to sleep, choosing option B), staring out the window at the gradually brightening sky. And then I see her - the waning gibbous moon, shyly peeping over the trees. How peaceful!
Peace amidst my chaotic thoughts.
You see, I am a real “problem solver” type of person. When hit with a problem (whether it’s trying to solve a website issue, help someone with their period issues, or life throwing a curve ball at me) my brain will whirr away in the background trying to figure out a solution. My mother was the same. She was a computer programmer and I remember her telling me, when I was young, that she would sometimes wake in the middle night with the solution to some coding problem. Our brains are so fascinating aren’t they?
Being a problem solver can be useful a lot of the time. But sometimes (like at 4am) it isn’t so much of a help!
That’s why I am writing. To get these thoughts out. To share my real vulnerable self.
And to remind myself of what I do know, amidst all that I don’t.
So what do I know?
I know that I don’t feel very brave in the face of life’s challenges.
I know that I am a sensitive neurodivergent woman who depends a lot on having a certain level of stability in my life.
I know I am deeply scared of change and upheaval.
I know that I am not a natural risk taker.
I know that losing my job feels like my security blanket (and my clothes) have been whipped off me and I’m standing naked, exposed to the harsh elements of life.
But I also know that I am capable of adapting to change (as awful as it feels at first).
I know that despite not feeling brave or strong, I can still DO the hard scary things (because I’ve done them before).
And I know that my intuition had been telling me for a while that this was coming. That this change was inevitable and I would have to face it sooner or later.
I know that I have a lot of knowledge to share and value to offer others.
I know that I want to help people live and feel better. Whether it’s through guided meditations, embodiment practices, menstrual cycle awareness, lifestyle, nutrition, my knowledge of women’s hormone health - I want to help people feel more vibrant, radiant, and at home in their bodies.
I know that I am resolved to do more of these last two going forwards.
And finally... I know that it is now 5:19am and I am starting to feel sleepy again so I guess my job here is done.
Update 1: (40 hours post news)
I managed to get back to sleep yesterday and in the end got a whole 5 hours sleep that night (still significantly under what I need). I also slept about 5 hours last night - managed to sleep until 5am this time! Progress! 😅
I am writing this update because I won’t be sending this out until after I am allowed to talk about my redundancy, but I had further thoughts/insights/observations to share.
This whole experience is definitely doing a number on my body in terms of the stress and anxiety. Emotionally I feel quite calm now - which of course was not the case initially. Honestly it was all I could do to not start bawling during the video meeting call where they informed me of the situation (a few tears may have leaked out, and I may have had some trouble speaking at certain points… but I mostly held it together and just allowed myself to have a good cry afterwards).
Despite being calm emotionally, I am definitely noticing the effect of stress on me. My sleep going out the window is a major red flag. I’m also less hungry than normal. And my taste for salt has massively increased (because nothing dumps sodium quite like acute stress). As an aside - I’ve actually found my tastebuds a very reliable gauge of how much sodium my body needs (as long as I’m eating whole real foods and not processed junk).
So what am I doing about this? Apart from being gentle and compassionate with myself, practicing lots of self-care - I am also judiciously upping my ashwagandha use to the morning as well as bedtime, and caring for my adrenals with plenty of electrolytes (sodium, potassium, magnesium) and vitamin C.
Update 2: (11 days post news)
I am finally able to send this post out! My last day was on Friday, I may or may not have burst into tears in front of a colleague in the office after I sent out my farewell email. And even though I was exhausted, I went to dance some salsa on the Southbank of the Thames.
My sleep continued to suffer for 10 nights, sleeping around 2-3 hours less than my norm. It wasn’t until last night that the pattern finally broke and I was able to get a blessed full night of sleep!
My period also arrived the morning after my last day. So did the new moon. Holy synchronicities! The timing could not have been more appropriate.
So now… I have so many plans and ideas floating around in my head that I am itching to put into action. But first I am going to take some time for myself, nourish my body, and recover from an incredibly intense last 10-11 days (I also found out I have uterine fibroids - more on this next time!) 💗